December 2011
1 post
Good Sleep.
The people that love me.
Scars.
The end of the term.
The library.
My bed.
Sizzle our.
Wilco.
Sisters.
Grace.
November 2011
7 posts
Nursing the hurt
There is no time limit on grief. No is no real closure and sometimes wounds open and close. I guess life is suffering and a gift and acceptance is the tool. I don’t want to is my response at the moment, even though I am sure its better then nursing the hurt.
making room
As it turns out getting rid of the anger makes room for all kinds of other feelings that are difficult to feel. I spent a lot of time holding on to that anger, I felt like I was justified and owed at least the pleasure of hating him. I forgot that anger is better left to people that aren’t me. So I am not angry. I am forgiving and not so resentful. What I wasn’t prepared for was and...
Sometimes I don’t know the difference between instinct and fear.
October 2011
7 posts
September 2011
4 posts
I forget that everything is usually better then okay
I might be an episcopal. I love the way it makes my heart feel.
1963 Everybody http://bzfd.it/pGVqZ7
August 2011
11 posts
after the anger
After the anger comes the forgiveness
It comes in stops and starts.
After the anger comes the loss.
The anger works as a shield from all other feelings.
But its not over after the anger.
Sometimes I wonder if its ever over.
After the anger you aren’t torn to bits,
But you feel feelings you aren’t prepared for
You sometimes wonder if the anger was easier…
It...
“God passionately loves our true selves— so we will need to seek approval...”
– David Buttrick
My Scooter
Hot tea
My bed
My Friends
Summer
“A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like...”
– Marcus Garvey
July 2011
11 posts
Getting over it
Letting go, getting over it, releasing, accepting, blah blah blah whatever you want to call it, its all hard. As it turns out I’m never prepared for the feelings and my gut wants to stuff things, but I’m learning to just be. I’m just being I’m the middle of my life right now and the involves a lot of praying and a lot of feeling shity shit and just waiting with it. It also...
The definition of forgiveness is absolved from payment, that’s what Jo told me the other day. The promise of freedom and peace even just moments without an bitter heart motivate me to do the work. I hate the saying “you can be happy or you can be right” but maybe because its true.
God gives back.
a grateful heart
The practice of gratefulness can take me from a crazy brain to a place of peace. If I can stop and for a moment remember all the good I have; it is in that moment that my fear quiets down and I can gain a bit of perspective. The practice of gratitude does not mean that I don’t go back to fearfulness at times or that I don’t forget what I have been given, it does mean though that...
Learning
It is so difficult to really know that to own my part does not mean what happened was justified. I have refused to really look at myself for fear of what I would see or the leverage it might give to the otherside. No matter how much I know about taking responsibility for my part I am still so afraid that it cancels my experience. I realize it not true and my side is only my side, but my head is...
June 2011
9 posts
grateful heart
I cannot take parts of my life and leave the rest. All of it is my story. All of the Good, the not so good, the triumph, disappointment and heartbreak. Each and every detail of my life built me and continues to build me. Allowing the truth of this to sink in to my bones leads me closer to forgiveness and not just forgiveness but also graduated. I have been trying to gain perspective and a...
things get different.
Yesterday I called my sister. She is on vacation with her family and I needed her long distance wisdom. There was no crisis (crisis use to be the norm), I just needed her opinion. My sister said something amazing, something that shot straight in to the core of me and filled me up with goodness. After I finished talking Angie said, “what does your gut tell you? do what your gut tells...
“honesty without compassion is brutality.”
I can quickly forget about gratitude and get distracted by the mess. My fear and resentments are louder than the goodness if I don’t remember to go slow and look at my whole life. Most of the bullshit is because I give my joy away or let the fear make decisions for me. I am blessed and my life is mostly magic when I get out of the way and I’m kind of awesome.
Learning to let go.
It is as if the holding on will prove a point. If I justify this unforgiveness or this hurt then I may be right someday and I will get justice or something. I see the peaceful choice in the letting go, but the being done is frightening. Accepting that I might never get what I ‘deserve’ hurts, but accepting that maybe I never deserved it hurts much more.
If I want to grow deeper...
Sometimes I’m afraid to let go of things, even the things I don’t want anymore.